Destruction Derby

It seems we have acquired our own source of a series of unfortunate events. Oh yes. The source is in our home and below I will describe the events that have happened thus:

* Our beloved and trusty Saturn decided to not turn on one day. Nevermind that it has the peppiest start we've ever heard on a car. For some reason, one day recently, it decided to be uncooperative. We should have seen the writing on the wall. We did manage to bring it back to life through a very long boost done in the midst of a snow storm.
* A cell phone bill large enough to cover the costs of a decent cruise vacation was recently received.
* The commemorative messages I had saved on my answering machine for years got deleted! As did our greeting, which was replaced by mostly white noise and a few grunts thrown in for good measure. No wonder we've not received a new message in weeks . . .
* Toasty the toaster died. Actually he's having mechanical difficulties. You are no longer able to keep the bread down unless you manually hold down the handle and even when you do you can feel resistance in there. "Where's my toast?!!?" Now that he has been replaced by Toasty II a funeral service for Toasty will be held shortly.
* A dead, half cooked chicken was found wrapped in foil in the refrigerator. Ewww!
* During an errand run, the guts of the Saturn's key mysteriously fell out of a pocket (as in the alarm deactivator). Attempting to open said car with the key itself resulted in the activation of the car's alarm system and ignition shut off. Expensive cab rides home to get second set of keys and back were required.
* Fancy_Cordless_Telephone_01 is out of service. It seems to have take a vow of silence, but only intermittently.
* Mabel's mattress has a lovely red Nyquil stain on it which matches with . . . errr . . . nothing.
* A strange aroma of allergy producing wildflowers recently permeated the closet downstairs.
* In one of the most unfortunate events yet, black ink from the Lochness Spider Mistress was found all over the bathroom last night! It was in the grout of the tile floors, on the nice digital scale, on the toilet and sink, and on the gray walls. Picasso was called in to repaint the walls.

There are also reports of unprecedented and unending bouts of sickness and chronic stepping in poop.

Stay tuned for the hapless couple's continuing tales of bad luck.